Dear Anxiety, I don’t even want perfection. You can go away now.

Are you seeing my artistic representation in this photo that good/bad are two sides of the same image/reflection and we have to accept one to get the other?!?!?! No?? Read on, you’ll get there.

My husband used to say to me, “Hey, you don’t need to stress. Everything always works out.”

My lifelong anxiety (which my ultra-Mormon younger self truly believed to be God speaking to me 🤦🏼‍♀️) would look at him and laaaaaugh laugh laugh. Oh silly husband. Didn’t he know that everything always works out BECAUSE I stress?! BECAUSE I do everything in my power to avoid every bad thing and any potential mistake and clean up everyone else’s problems and fix everything all the time?!

Can you imagine what would happen if I DIDN’T do that?! Things would go wrong! Bad things would happen!

Oh, what I’d give to go back in time and whisper in my old self’s ear: “Right.”

“What?!” old me would protest. “Have you lost your mind? Do you want your life to be filled with struggling people and broken things and problems?”

“Yes! Struggle and problems are where growth and connection and LIFE come from. You’re stealing those experiences from the people you’re rescuing. From yourself. Being perfect is actually harming your relationships. It’s hurting your growth. Your life is worse this way. You’re missing the point.”

Then we’d have to call 9–1–1 for someone to come clean up my exploded brain.

Perfection is harmful?????

Bad things are not only inevitable but actually what I want??

My life is better when I focus my energy on the growth in struggle rather than avoiding it completely?!

Oh no it’s happening again (*boooooomexplodebraaaaaaaainseverywhere*)

What’s the point of anxiety then if I don’t have to predict/plan/execute the avoidance of every bad thing?

Ooohh I see. It wasn’t my brain that exploded. It was just the anxiety part.

I don’t need her anymore.

Maybe this sounds obvious to whomever is reading this. Maybe it’s only life changing for people with anxiety. Or just me, specifically? (Witnessing the number of people protesting sex education and the existence of Covid has me thinking it’s not just me.)

What if putting my energy toward building relationships and safety, such as consistently helping/supporting my child through the effects of their “bad” decisions (to my old Mormon self this would have included bad grades, premarital sex, drug use, literally any “bad” thing that could be avoided and even everything that COULDN’T be) is a better use of my time than using my steel fist to make sure they never happen in the first place?

What if forcing them to sexual abstinence and zero tolerance drug/alcohol/junk food policies actually creates worse problems? Like a lack of education about consent and safety, later sexual dysfunction and trauma, addiction, eating disorders — along with the whopping dose of self-loathing, depression, and suicide that so often accompany a human being trying to avoid every mistake or problem?

What if all of my energy has been going to this impossible and counterproductive goal of avoidance when it could be going instead to education, safety, support and love?

What if my job as a mom isn’t to stop anything bad from happening to them but instead helping them feel solid in their personal value and ability to weather storms? And my constant support (rather than fixing) and presence (rather than coercion) through those storms?

Can you imagine if everyone could embrace their own human development and realized bumps in the road are actually the literal entire point?

…also can you guys tell why Mormonism is no longer working for me?? 😂😭

I wish I could go back and tell old me about this. It would’ve avoided sooo many hurt relationships and missed opportunities and pain.

But I don’t want to avoid the bad anymore, remember? I just want to live it.

So you’re allowed, old me. Thank you for being here. I’m better now because of you.

You can go away though, Anxiety. I no longer believe that voice inside of me telling me how to be perfect and fix everything is helping. I see it for what it is: robbing me and my loved ones of life and contentment and safety in relationships.

Goodbye, friend. You can come visit now and then and I will work through it. Because I’m not perfect, remember?? But you don’t have a permanent home here anymore.

See you at the next variant outbreak/election/extreme weather event.

✌🏻